I Could Even Learn How to Love [p]

[Deleted]

Cinderfeather

Age: 45 moons| Tags: trevni

I’d fall anywhere with you, I’m by your side

A moon. It had been a moon since Streamshine passed. A moon since Streamkit followed his mother to StarClan, and Cinderfeather still felt lost. While Ryekit’s death had hurt her badly, and while Stormkit’s death had delt a huge blow to her, Streamshine’s death had hit the hardest. Whether she meant to or not, she had always favored Streamshine. Her daughter had never judged her like Birchpaw had, and she had never blamed her. Whenever she was sad, Streamshine was there for her. She was always so positive, even if the world was against her from the start.

“And now she’s gone...” she whispered as she looked up at the starry sky. Sighing heavily she looked down at the lake beneath her. “Why? Why did StarClan have to take you?” She asked before she closed her eyes. She felt numb. Like she had been dipped in ice. In the span of one year, she had lost her best friend, her second born, her first born, one of her foster kits, her third born, and her first born grandson. Six cats. Six out of the ten cats she felt close to, and her final born son despised her.

“All I have left is Oaktalon, Leafpaw, and Frostpaw,” Cinderfeather said before the image of Falconpaw popped in her head. “And Frostpaw is obsessed with Falconpaw...” she said as she wrapped her tail around her paws and opened her eyes again. Looking down at her reflection, she folded her ears back. “Why did I even become a mother in the first place?” She asked herself as she splashed th reflection with her paw. “All this has caused me is pain...” she muttered as she closed her eyes. Suddenly, her ears perked up and she opened her eyes and turned her head.

“Oh... hey Oaktalon,” she said as she looked at the deputy. Her cheeks heated up as she realized that he would’ve most likely been able to hear her comment about wishing she had never become a mother. However, she couldn’t bring herself to apologize. Looking at the tom, she sighed. “Oaktalon, why is it that I always loose those I love?” She asked. Sighing again, she looked back at the lake. “All I have left are you, Birchpaw, Leafpaw, and Frostpaw, and Birchpaw hates me,” she said. “And Frostpaw is too busy fawning after Falconpaw to spend time with me...”

Cinderfeather sighed again as she looked up at the sky. “And one day you’ll have a mate and we won’t be able to spend as much time together...” she said. ‘And I’ll have to spend the rest of my moons watching you have kits with someone else...’ she thought. “I just... it seems like no matter what I do, I’ll always be alone...” she said before snorting as tears started to form in her eyes. “Heh. I guess it’s kind of poetic,” she said. “I was so excited to be a mom that I had kits with someone I didn’t love, so my kits were doomed from the start...”

“And now, here I am. Just a lonely queen who spends all her time looking after kits because her own are gone,” she said. “And I’ll probably never have any more...” she said as a watery laugh escaped her. “I doubt any tom would want to be with me after all this, no matter how much I love them,” she said before subconsciously pressing into Oaktalon. “After all, who wants to be with a sad she cat who lost all but one kit of her first litter?”

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[trevni]

oaktalon

@silverfire12,

well, i believe this world is burning to the ground

The past moon had been an eventful one for Oaktalon, and not necessarily in a good way.

He mourned Streamshine’s death alongside most of their Clanmates – though he hadn’t had the proper chance to comfort Cinderfeather and truly express his condolences yet, in part because of how much work Willowstar shouldered him with and recent… developments. He felt the sting of Streamshine’s death a little more personally than some – he’d given her a warrior’s name, rather than the name Willowstar had chosen. It had been one of his first real defiances of Willowstar, and one made out of true feeling, rather than a half-hearted attempt to rock the boat.

He’d defied her because it was the right thing to do, and not because it’d furthered his own goals. And it’d felt great.

All of that was gone now, but he liked to think Streamshine’s moons as a warrior had at least been better than they would have been under the name Twistedstream. Perhaps she can hear in Starclan, as well. Shaking the thought from his mind, he rose to his paws, steeling himself as he emerged from the den.

Immediately, every eye in the camp was upon him. He heard all-too-familiar murmurs – “kits”, “Pebblesong”, and, most alarmingly, the occasional “Cinderfeather”. His fondness for the white-and-grey molly was well-known, and the lie he’d recently shouldered had certainly thrown that into contention. He met the disapproving, drama-hungry gazes with a certain, defiant look, holding his head high and moving forward.

Approaching a young, black-furred warrior – Beartooth, he recalled – Oaktalon dipped his head. ”Good evening. Have you seen Cinderfeather?” Startling as thought he’d yelled at her, the bulky she-cat flinched, eyes rounding as she attempted to stammer out a response.

”C-cinderfeather? Oh, um, but I thought you and Pebblesong were—“

”Friends. We’re friends,” he defended himself, lifting his voice loud enough to draw the attention of other warriors gathered nearby. The feeling of them eavesdropping sent awkward prickles down his spine, but he reminded himself that it was all part of the plan. The more issue cats found with him, the less they’d find with Pebblesong, hopefully. ”I am the father of her kits – but we mistook a moment of passion for something more. That doesn’t change my feelings about the kits – but I will not have any cat spreading false information here,” he growled. He felt a flash of guilt as Beartooth recoiled – she wasn’t a cat to cause drama, and directing his annoyances at her wasn’t helping anything.

Sighing, he forced his voice to quiet. ”… Tell me where Cinderfeather is. I… I need to speak to her, to explain things,” he murmured, stomach churning anxiously. That, unlike everything he’d just said, was the truth – he’d been working so hard the last few days that he was sure that the gossip had reached Cinderfeather before he’d gotten a chance to tell her anything.

I need to tell her the truth – and how I feel. I just hope she’ll believe me over whatever she’s been hearing…

-------------------------------------------------------------

The lake was beautiful at night, as it always was. He couldn’t help but remember the last time he’d been out here alone with Cinderfeather – the memory warmed his heart as he recalled how much of a fool he’d made of himself. It left a certain, anxious skip in his step, even if his excitement was a bit tempered by the newer burden upon his shoulders. This certainly wouldn’t go the way he’d planned – he wouldn’t have been surprised if Cinderfeather was a little upset to hear that he was ‘fathering’ another molly’s litter without even a warning or indication. Without knowing the truth behind it – and if she felt the way he did, which he hoped she did – it’d probably be natural to be hurt. But he hadn’t actually had kits with Pebblesong, and had no intention of having them with any cat except for, if she cared for him the way he cared for her…

There!

She sat at the edge of the lake, illuminated by the moonlight. But the brief rush of excitement and anxiety in Oaktalon fizzled out as he noticed the weight in her shoulders – a familiar sadness that reminded him more of the first time they’d really spoken than more recent encounters. This time somehow seemed worse than before – he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d contributed to that at all.

Swallowing his guilt, he cleared his throat, shifting to settle beside her. The greeting he got was more subdued than usual, and he frowned as he studied the bicolor queen’s visage, taking in the sorrow and grief held there. His own plans for their meeting and conversation forgotten, he settled down more comfortably, shifting to gently touch her flank with his tail.

”I… don’t know,” he answered honestly, even if he wished he had an answer. ”Starclan seems determined to give you more trials than any other cat… I’m not sure why,” he murmured, casting a glance up towards the sky. Cinderfeather couldn’t have done anything to upset their ancestors, so surely it was just a matter of a lot of terrible, terrible luck? ”You have more cats that care about you, I’m sure – and Birchpaw can’t truly hate you. One day he’ll see everything you’ve done for him and he’ll be thankful, I just know it. It’s… hard for young cats to see what they have in front of them sometimes, you know?” He certainly wished he’d spent more time with his parents. Were they watching what had become of their kits from Starclan? Did they agree more with Willowstar or with his perspective on things?

Her next words sent a pang of guilt through him again – in light of the rumors he’d helped circulate, that must have seemed more likely than ever. Ears twitching sheepishly, he shook his head. ”That’s not true, though. I—“ But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Not with everything that hung over them now. Not with unspoken accusations and truths still lingering in the air.

”You don’t give yourself enough credit,” he mumbled, glancing away. ”Some cats would love to be that close to you – even if you’ve had a streak of bad luck. I wouldn’t mind it myself, if I’m honest,” he murmured, pausing awkwardly. It might have sounded romantic in another light, but, given the fact that he was supposedly the father of Pebblesong’s litter, it must have sounded sleazier and less sincere than anything else he’d said.

”… I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been here as much for you lately. And you’ve probably heard some… um. Things. I wish I was the one to tell you, rather than every other cat spreading gossip.” I wished I could have told you the truth, before you heard the lies. ”I… understand if you might be upset. But I want to tell you the truth – rather than whatever you’ve heard.”

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[Deleted]

Cinderfeather

Age: 45 moons| Tags: trevni

I’d fall anywhere with you, I’m by your side

When Oaktalon said he didn't know why StarClan had been punishing her, Cinderfeather flinched. An image of Berryclaw flashed in her mind as she squeezed her eyes shut. 'I know why...' she thought as she wrapped her tail around her paws. While one fling with a RavenClan cat was bad, deep down the she cat knew that it wasn't the case. She just wanted to blame someone, and since she couldn't bring herself to direct her anger at her grandkits, she focused on directing it at herself. While it obviously wasn't the brown tabby's intention for his words to cause another wave of guilt to crash through her, she couldn't help it.

"I guess," she mumbled at he said she must have other cats that cared for her. As much as she knew that he was right, she couldn't bring herself to believe him. With all the pain she was feeling, it felt like she was alone. She opened her eyes again as Oaktalon said that he wouldn't mind being close to her, a small spark of hope forming in her chest. It only lasted for a few seconds before an image of Pebblesong pushed its way into her head, squashing it down like a bug.

Cinderfeather pinned her ears back as the deputy mentioned Pebblesong. She wanted to be happy for him, but all she could feel was her chest aching. "I-it's okay," she said as she took a deep breath. 'Be strong Cinderfeather. Be strong,' she thought as she gave him a weak smile. Her eyes burned with tears that wanted to fall, and her chest physically hurt. "I'm glad you found someone you love," she said. "I-I'm sure your kits will be just as great as you are," she said as she dug her claws into the ground.

"I-I'm really happy f-for you... y-you deserve someone..." she trailed off, tears slowly starting to run down her cheeks. "S-someone..." she broke off as she tried to steady herself, but another image of Oaktalon and Pebblesong playing with their kits popped into her head. With that image, the gray and white patched she cat broke. A sob escaped her as she slowly sank to the ground, the weight of her grief practically shoving her to the ground as her body trembled. She buried her head in her paws and wrapped her tail around herself. She wanted to be happy for Oaktalon, but she couldn't.

"Y-you d-deserve s-someone wh-who m-makes y-you h-happy," Cinderfeather choked out between sobs. A wail escaped her as she buried her head deeper into her paws. All the pent up grief that she had felt had finally reached a breaking point, and she couldn't stop it. She had forced herself to be strong for so long, but now? She didn't care. She couldn't care. She wailed out jumbled apologies as she continued to sob. She was inconsolable at this point. Memories of death after death flooded her mind, occasionally intermixed with images of Oaktalon and Pebblesong cuddling each other.

After what seemed like ages of uncontrollable sobbing, the gray and white she cat was reduced to a trembling mess who occasionally sniffled. Her eyes were bloodshot as she calmed down as much as she could. She refused to make eye contact with Oaktalon as he lifted her head and looked at him. She sniffled again as she went to open her mouth, only to pause when she realized what she must look like. 'I probably look like a selfish bitch who is upset that her friend is starting a family...' she thought as she took another deep breath. She needed to explain herself.

"I-I'm sorry," Cinderfeather mumbled as she turned her attention back to her paws. "I am happy th-that you found someone th-that you're happy with and want to have kits with," she said, voice cracking as she tried to reassure Oaktalon that she was glad he found happiness. "I just..." she trailed off as she searched for the right words. "I guess I just wish..." she trained off again as she sighed heavily. She didn't want to say it, but she just... couldn't keep it to herself anymore.

"I just wish that you wanted to spend your life with me..."

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[trevni]

oaktalon

@silverfire12,

well, i believe this world is burning to the ground

The dark tabby tom certainly hadn’t been expecting this.

It seemed that both his best and worst fears had been confirmed in one fell swoop. News of the Pebblesong situation had certainly reached the molly’s ears, but her reaction was somehow stronger than he’d anticipated. She cared for him as he did for her – though, perhaps, more strongly than he thought himself ever capable of feeling for another cat. The realization made him take a couple of pawsteps back, and he could do little more than stare for a long moment, ears pinning back against his skull.

He wasn’t sure what to say – the words he’d been about to say promptly fizzled out upon his tongue, like embers dying beneath torrential floodwaters. He yearned to tell the truth to some cat, but as he stared at Cinderfeather’s grief-stricken form, something held him back. Like a quiet, steadily-calm whisper within the whirlwind of emotion, he almost imagined he could hear Pebblesong’s words.

‘Tell Cinderfeather if you wish. But if you hold even a flicker of doubt that she’ll keep that secret until her death… Perhaps you shouldn’t.’

Did he trust Cinderfeather? His initial answer had been a resounding ‘yes’ – he’d held little to no doubt that she would keep the truth hidden if he asked her. But he wasn’t entirely sure if the Cinderfeather in front of him – the clearly-emotional, upset cat here right now – would be able to keep any secret, let alone something so treacherous. If these kits were compromised because of a misjudgment I made… Pebblesong would never forgive me.

He owed Cinderfeather the truth. But was it worth the risk, when he wasn’t yet sure how she’d react? Did honesty win out over the lives and happiness of kittens who had done nothing wrong in the world yet?

No. I’ll tell her one day, I promise that, Starclan, he decided, glancing towards the sky in a silent vow. But not tonight. Not like this.

You’re a liar, a soft, treacherous voice in his head seemed to whisper. Just like Willowstar. Would cats follow you if they knew the secrets you hold? The secrets you’ve held?

A vibrant, orange-and-white molly danced in his memories for a heartbeat – Aspenstar, her features more relaxed and happy than they’d been in the moons since their nighttime encounter. Another set of fabrications he’d made for the sake of a friend very near and dear to his heart. I can’t tell Cinderfeather about the kits I actually have… And I can’t tell her about the ones that aren’t actually mine. But one day, I will. When all of this is over – when everything is done, and things in Willowclan are as they should be, I can be transparent with everyone.

Shaking his head, he stepped in front of Cinderfeather, ignoring the prickle of guilt for what he was about to say. “The kits… They are mine, but it isn’t what you or any other cat may think,” he murmured, feeling a bit repulsed at how easily the lie slipped from his tongue, intangible from truth. Moons of living in Willowclan made even the most honest of cats seasoned at lying, it seemed. ”I… Pebblesong and I thought we held feelings for each other, but we discovered that those feelings were those of friendship, and nothing more. … A-after the kits had already happened, of course. It was a mistake – but those kits are not to blame for it. I’ve already agreed to help raise them, even if Pebblesong and I are nothing more than friends.” It wasn’t entirely a lie – there was nothing romantic about his feelings for Pebblesong, after all, even if she was one of the best friends he could currently name.

That didn’t do much for the guilt, of course, but…

”… I realized I couldn’t have feelings for her, though. Because there’s only one cat in Willowclan that I do think I have feelings for, and that cat… Well, that cat is you, Cinderfeather. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize it.” That much was true, and he felt awkward despite himself, glancing away. he hadn’t expected any confession to go like this, and he was almost expecting some sort of anger, now that he was supposedly having kits with another she-cat.

after thinking on it for a few days i decided that oak wouldn't feel comfortable telling cinder the whole truth rn, especially when she's in such an emotionally vulnerable state. it's gonna gnaw at him and probably come back to bite him in the ass depending on when he does go to reveal the truth, but, it's ic for him in the moment, rip

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