what is love, really? [tagged]

[trevni]

oaktalon

@edda

well, i believe this world is burning to the ground

His paws lingered hesitantly outside of the medicine den, as though frozen there by the snow that chilled them.

This… is stupid. Surely he has better things to do than listen to my ‘problems’, right? Oaktalon was a cat that had never been particularly hesitant or cautious. On more than one occasion, his quick decisions and misjudgments had led to comical or catastrophic failures during his apprenticeship. He had always been the impulsive, honest sort, and had even begun to earn a name in Ravenclan as a cat who forged his own path, even if it was difficult at times.

After living in Willowclan under Willowstar’s rule for so long, he wasn’t even sure if he could call himself the same cat. Bitterly, he recalled the many times he’d had been forced to bow to the queen’s decisions, even when he was staunchly against them. In Ravenclan, such thoughts were normal – a cat could speak their mind without fear of punishment or retribution, however radical their thoughts might have been.

In Willowclan? It was dangerous to let your mouth speak faster than your mind. Even though he’d adapted to survive, Oaktalon hated the way his sister had so effectively tied his paws. Being deputy in this place means nothing – I have no say in shaping how this Clan works, save for the patrols that go out each day.

He hated it, but it wasn’t the only thing that’d left him on edge as of late. He was all too aware of Willowstar’s recent announcements – even now, her heir was being trained to one day take over Willowclan. The next leader will be Falconpaw, if he does what his mother wants him to. Not me.

.. Unless I can make things change.

It was unfair to have ill will towards Falconpaw – the young tom seemed level-headed and couldn’t help the family he’d been born to, after all. Oaktalon tried to brush the resentment he felt aside. Ashcloud’s heir had been selected as well, and that left Oaktalon as the only cat without an announced heir. If Willowstar’s expecting me to select one of her kits, she has another thing coming. None of the kits had caught his eye – even if they had, he shuddered at the thought of Willowstar’s own kits having a monopoly on the power within Willowclan.

No… If I have to pick a heir, it will be one of my own kits – or perhaps Ashcloud’s. But…

He frowned, well aware of the implications. Willowstar’s kits still had an unknown father – something he wouldn’t let the Clan forget. And he had kits as well, though he numbly reminded himself that they’d never be his in name. He could have no part in their lives, for every cat’s sake.

I could pick a pretty or powerful she-cat – one who’d say yes just for the status, rather than because of any actual care. That was the safe bet – and the one that left a sour taste in his mouth. His sister might have been capable of such callous, calculated relations, but he certainly was not.

He’d been looking, certainly – his memory flashed back to times he’d spent with his Clanmates as of late. And though certain feelings were becoming… curious, the dark tabby still had to think things through. There’s certainly cats I might feel something for… but how do I know who’s truly the right one? Or if she would even feel the same way?

Perhaps Ashcloud, with his usual wisdom, would have answers. Steeling himself for an inevitably awkward conversation, Oaktalon entered the medicine den, eyes scanning the depths. He made out the peacefully-sleeping forms of Wolfjaw and Redwater – cats who had been seriously injured during the fox assault, he remembered – in a far corner, and made a not to try his best not to disturb them.

”Ashcloud?” His voice was a quiet echo as he shifted to scan the area for his brother. ”… Are you busy? I’d like to talk, if you aren’t.”

awkward oakboy for ya

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Ashcloud was in the back of his den, there were small piles of herbs all around him and he just stared at them. It was dark but he knew where each pile was ready for him to sort through once again. He had been obsessed with counting his herbs. Making sure he had his count right, if he was wrong he may give to much to someone and then there wouldn’t be enough if a illness broke out in the clan. It wouldn’t have surprised him either if something did break out soon, it was just a matter of time before some Queen brought in their kit who was coughing. Then the stress of worrying for her kit usually brought the mother ill and then the next thing knew the whole clan was coughing.

The clan was vulnerable right now, he blamed mostly Willowstar. But he knew it was his fault as well, he should have convinced his sister to back off her claim of not letting the other clans to the water. Then there wouldn’t have been so many injuries or deaths. Three cats died because of water. Some days he wished he was still a warrior, free to give his opinion, free to fight along side his classmates. It made him feel weak that he had to stay behind, he worked his butt off when they came back bloody and injured but when they came back dead and he had to provide the herbs to the elders to prepare the body it made him wish it was him that had fought instead of them.

’20, 21, 22, 23. Same count as two days ago’ Ashcloud pushed the catmint he had been counting to the side. He pulled the pile of poppyseed in front of him and started once again the counting the rhythm he had was steady. Thats when he heard a voice call out to him. The sounded echoed in the back of the den, but Ashcloud stopped his counting pushed the poppy seeds back where they belonged and turned around. Moving back out of the back he found himself face to face with his brother, Oaktalon.

”I’m never to busy to chat with my bother.” He said with a soft smile on his face. Thats when he padded closer to the tabby tom passing is two current patients. The fox fight had been rough and one apprentice died. Redwater and Wolfjaw were lucky they didn’t die as well. Though with both of them and Ratpaw and Brookpaw, Ashcloud might need to request another den just for his patients. Though he knew that Brookpaw and Ratpaw could always move to the apprentice den if he needed more room.

”Come brother, we can talk in the back so we don’t disturb them.” He glanced over at the sleeping forms and then turned around and moved in the back some more, where his nest was. There was a little area that was big enough for both toms to sit comfortably, where the three nests lined the edge of the den. Ashcloud sat down making himself comfortable, and he waited for Oaktalon to do the same.

”So, whats troubling your mind?”

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[trevni]

oaktalon

@edda

well, i believe this world is burning to the ground

He wasn’t sure whether Ashcloud’s prompt response was reassuring or not. A part of him had privately hoped that the other tom was too busy – at least then he’d have a viable excuse to save the potentially-awkward conversation for another time. He considered the piles of herbs the tom had been counting for a couple of moments, feeling a guarded curiosity. Woefully, Oaktalon had to admit that the most he knew of herbs were the common remedies for injuries he’d gotten during his apprenticeship and warriorhood – poppy seed for pain, cobwebs for bleeding, and a multitude of herbs for various injuries and infections. And catmint for greencough – that’s an important one, too. He frowned at the thought of greencough – the Clan was already weakened from the battle they’d been forced to fight. Perhaps leafbare would be kinder to them than it had been in the past.

I doubt it, though. The next moons will be difficult, but we’ll survive.

”How are your supplies?” he queried, following Ashcloud as they slipped towards the back of his den, past the injured warriors. ”I… hope the battle didn’t use up too many of them.” He knew that the herbs would be harder to find in the coming season as well – he didn’t envy his brother in the slightest. Oaktalon had never felt a pull towards medicine or healing – he was fairly certain that, were he a medicine cat, he’d surely give some cat the wrong herb – but he was glad to see that it suited Ashcloud so well. Did he ever have doubts about accepting the role of medicine cat? Would he have wanted to go that route if we’d stayed in Ravenclan? It was strange to imagine his sibling in the position Sootpaw currently held – and stranger to consider that Ashcloud would probably hold more power in the leaderless Clan than he could ever hope to hold under Willowstar’s rule.

She wants to control everything. The deputy position is just for show, and the medicine cat position is only important because she would never bother learning how to heal others herself.

”If you need cats to help you gather supplies, you’ll let me know, right?” he queried, turning his gaze towards Ashcloud. ”There are always cats to spare – I imagine it’s a lot of work with just you and Brookpaw.” And Ratpaw? … I have no idea whether he actually does much of anything in here, or if Willowstar just gave him to Ashcloud so she wouldn’t have to look at him.

He settled down near Ashcloud, falling quiet as the medicine cat brought up the reason he’d approached him in the first place. Oaktalon hesitated for a moment, feeling uncharacteristically awkward as he shuffled his paws and tried to think of a delicate way to broach the subject. ”I’ve been… thinking lately,” he began. I’m always thinking, though, and he probably knows that. Stupid way to phrase it. ”Things have been… even crazier than usual these past couple of moons, which is saying a lot, considering… you know.” Oaktalon tried his best to keep Ashcloud out of the middle of the rift that had clearly developed between the deputy and leader, but Ashcloud had surely observed it all happening. Does he sympathize with me, or is he as loyal to Willowstar as some of our Clanmates? … I trust him not to repeat what I think, at least, which is more than I can say about some cats.

Shaking his head, he pushed the thought aside. ”The battle took a toll on us – though I’m sure you know that as well. You treated the injuries, after all. Things are more tense than ever, with Fireclan and Ravenclan living on our borders – even though they have every right to do so, if it means they can access the water.” Cautious as he happened to be, he was sure to voice his support of the battle. Fireclan and Ravenclan had been desperate. Willowstar was the only cat to blame for all of the blood that had been spilled.

”And then, even before that, Willowstar’s kits were born…” Without a father. Why would she hide that? ”… And now two of them are going to be the future medicine cat and leader of Willowclan. Two out of three heirs have been chosen. And I’m… not exactly eager to pick Cinderpaw, Jaypaw, Ratpaw, or Nettlepaw as my own heir.” Willowstar would sooner die than let me appoint Ratpaw or Nettlepaw, with their defects, anyways… She would never consider that a valid option. I’d love to see the look on her face if I did pick one of them, but… Perhaps it was petty of him, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to consider one of his sister’s kits for the position.

”I’ve just… been thinking about heirs a lot, recently, I guess,” he concluded, tail twitching uncomfortably. ”We aren’t that young anymore, Ashcloud – we aren’t ancient, but most cats have had at least one litter by now.” … Including me, but I’m not about to let him know that. Those kits will never know their true father, and perhaps it’s better that way. ”… Have you been thinking about it, too? I don’t want to sound crazy, but… I think I need some advice about she-cats.”

He probably wasn’t expecting this to be what I wanted to talk about, of all things.

word count, notes, n stuff

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Ashcloud heard the deputy ask him about the supplies, Ashcloud just said, ”We will get by. Though I can’t imagine what Fernheart or Sootpaw are going through with their supplies that wilted during the drought.” He then settled down and then Oaktalon offered to take some time to get him some cats to help him. He just flicked his tail to the offer it wasn’t something he really needed right now but there was already a rift between the brothers he didn’t want to hurt it more with a smart retort about him already stealing warriors or apprentices around camp if he needed. Cause it seemed that he was always able to find someone sitting on their butt.

Ashcloud waited, he was wondering what his brother wanted to talk about. He just waiting in silence, Ashcloud wasn’t one to bug someone to speak and he knew when Oaktalon was ready he would eventually give into the silence. It was something noticed over time sometimes saying nothing ended up being the loudest. Thats when Oaktalon started saying a lot had happened. And he was right their sister took a turn Ashcloud never expected it made things interesting. Though Ashcloud hadn’t got much fire from Willowstar, Oaktalon had. It seemed that he wasn’t in the middle but he was though he didn’t think either one of them noticed him in the background he was cleaning up after the mistakes that were made.

”Yes its tense but that was Willowstar’s own fault she should have reasoned. We could avoided the mess all together. But we can not change the past only look to the future.” And thats what he had done by picking his heir, to give the clan something to look forward too. To show them some hope, though it just happened to be that Starclan wanted Brookpaw to be a medicine cat as well, he knew that this was the path Starclan wanted her on.

Thats when he went one about Willowstar’s kits. He narrowed his eyes at Oaktalon, it was like the deputy was judging him about his choice about Willowstar’s daughter. He just watched the deputy slowly and said, ”Are you questioning my choice because its Willowstar’s daughter? I know you two haven’t been getting along but my choice was with Starclan’s guidance, and you must do the same. If none of the other royal kits are calling to them for you’re heir that is fine. But I will not let you sit there and tell me my choice is bad, because we know you can’t judge someone just by who their family is.” Then he flicked his ears signaling he was done with his rant.

After his moment he waited a Oaktalon said something about litters and it made the medicine cat’s head spin. He was struggling with this too though he wasn’t sure if he even wanted a mate. Did he even want a litter, when he chose to turn away from this life as a warrior he was prepared to give this all up. He did, but then he was presented with the way Willowstar wanted the next high positions to be picked he was more worried about his training than he was with finding a mate. Oaktalon he was pretty sure just didn’t know how to connect with anyone, Ashcloud could tell that being royal was taking a toll on his connections with cats in the clan. But it seemed that this was the real problem, she-cats. He didn’t really have time to worry about a mate right now, but it seemed like Oaktalon did. Ashcloud sighed, ”It depends, are you just wanting a mate because you need to prove something to Willowstar. Or did you actually connect with a she-cat that is giving you feeling that you can’t catch?”

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[trevni]

oaktalon

@edda,

well, i believe this world is burning to the ground

The medicine cat seemed confident that Willowclan would survive, though the mention of Fernheart and Sootpaw sent new concern through Oaktalon. ”If only there was a way to aid them… Though I’m sure Willowstar would claw my pelt off if I suggested sharing herbs with Fireclan or Ravenclan. For all I know, you might claw me, too.” It was an attempt at a joke, but one that didn’t feel quite as funny as it could, considering Ashcloud might take offense to the idea.

When did we all grow so far apart that I can’t even tell what my own family is thinking?

Ashtalon offered little more than a flick of his tail at Oaktalon’s offer, and the dark tabby’s pelt crawled uncomfortably at the silence that briefly settled between them. He’d approached his brother, of course, but even small talk felt difficult and forced with the tom right now. Oaktalon didn’t think he had issues talking to most cats, but his tongue felt nearly tied around Ashtalon.

Even when he forced himself to speak, he found himself irritated by how casual and neutral Ashcloud’s responses were. ”If Willowstar was more open to suggestion, we could have avoided it altogether,” he retorted before he could stop himself, tail twitching sharply. ”Even a Queen should acknowledge her subjects – or at the very least, the Royal Family.” This absolute power she seems to have is nonsense. Would I have agreed to leave Ravenclan behind, knowing this is what awaited us here?

Ashcloud seemed to take his next topic the wrong way, leading to the fur on Oaktalon’s spine bristling defensively as the medicine cat ranted at him. ”I’m not telling you whether your choice is bad or good,” he defended himself, trying and failing to keep a growl out of his tone. ”It’s well and good that Starclan is able to guide you to a proper decision, but I can’t say they’ve enlightened me on any cat that might make a suitable heir. And I doubt they’ve enlightened Willowstar, either – her choices are only made because she wants them to be.” Crinkling his muzzle, the tom grimaced, realizing how sharp and callous he sounded. But it was difficult not to be when Ashcloud jumped to conclusions about why he was speaking.

He almost didn’t want to hear his brother’s opinion on what was really bothering him, but Oaktalon forced himself to sit still, ignoring a sigh that he took as annoyance from Ashcloud. You’re the one that agreed to talk to me, don’t complain about it, he thought, feeling a flash of guilt at how angry the thought was. Ashcloud’s response set his fur on end once more, though, and he couldn’t help but lift his tone as he replied. ”I am nothing like Willowstar – I’m not going to sire kits just for the sake of having new, royal blood in Willowclan! And I’m certainly not going to make my choices in secret or not let the Clan know – like I could, since the she-cat is the one that gives birth. There are she-cats that I might have feelings for, but I don’t really know since Willowstar rarely allows me enough time in the day to so much as chat with a Clanmate, let alone spend time getting to know them. It’s bad enough that she’s taking any sort of decision or power away, but the idea that she’s keeping me from actually connecting with Clanmates in any way… I can’t stand it. I’m sick of feeling so isolated in a Clan that should, by all accounts, be more connected than Ravenclan.”

The tom had risen to his paws without even realizing it – with a flicker of guilt, he heard Wolfjaw shuffling and groaning in his nest, and knew that he must have disturbed the injured warrior. But he couldn’t help but feel irritated that Ashcloud would even suggest such things. He can’t think I want the same as Willowstar – kits without a discernible other parent, who I’m the only one that influences them. I am nothing like my sister – he has to know that, right?

this is turning out a lil more heated than i assumed, w hoops

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